Today at 39, if I could go back in time, I’d tell that 24 year old hurt & confused self, please don’t put that messy stuff in that box & pretend it’s not there. I’d tell my 28 year old numb, reckless & angry self to please slow down, stop running & face the darkness that’s chasing you.
Today at 39, I’d tell my 31 year old spiraling-out-of-control-self, thank you for being brave: taking the box off the shelf, unpacking the mess & doing your healing work.
Everyday since 31, I remember that I didn’t heal alone. God broke into my space on the weekend of May 27, 2011. God sat with me in the messy weeds of my wilderness experience & sent a handful of faithful, empathetic, & welcoming companions to journey with me at critical moments. In the process, I also learned that there are some places that you journey alone. And, that’s okay too.
Today, not looking back but looking forward, I can confidently tell myself, “you did good my friend. You did the best you could with the tools, resources & experiences you had. God knew, what God was up to. God knew the perfect time & place for the inbreaking of God’s Kingdom in your life. This leg of the journey is complete. A new thing is breaking open.”
In those moments when I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through, I remembered my high school track coaches & my dad cheering me on as I approached the last 100 meters of the 400 meter run. I could hear them yelling:
“You better run…
You’re almost there!”
That memory has was and is a faithful companion.
I know some folks sitting in the weeds of their messy wilderness experience.
And, I am cheering you on: keep going, you’re almost there…don’t stop but please be gentle to yourself.