I am not sure when exactly it all came to a head, but the climax occurred this week. For weeks, I had been observing some behavior patterns and responses happening in my interior life. The patterns that I was becoming hyper-aware of gave me pause. So, as this bright light in my interior life got brighter, I realized God was inviting me to take a deeper look.
One thing led to another, and through a series of conversations with people who I trust and who love me, and through prayerful contemplation, I began to find language to name what I was observing and identified the root-feeding the behavior patterns. And, then I arrived at that critical moment. I was utterly exposed before myself and God, only to discover that the tools I had in my resiliency toolkit were the old tools that were quickly becoming obsolete.
There I was outgrowing my old self and without the tools, I needed to support me through this painful growth spurt. So, I did what I do best. I consulted Google. And for the days, I took a deep dive into equipping myself for the next leg of the journey. I had the theoretical knowledge and some language to name and describe the issue, but those things don’t necessarily heal the wounds that trigger the behavior patterns nor do they change the patterns.
There I was with the language and the tools yet still responding with the same old patterns, using the same old tools. For days, I observed this pattern. And out of nowhere, while sitting silently with myself while engaging in a mundane task, I heard a whisper say, “give yourself permission to outgrow your old self.” And, a few days later, I had a whole conversation with myself that went something like this:Give yourself permission to have the right tools and not know how to use them all at once.
Give yourself permission to respond the same old way, catch yourself and recalibrate all in the same interaction.
Give yourself permission to be in transition for however long you need to be in transition.
Give yourself permission to smile at yourself when you see yourself growing into your mature self.
Friend, wherever you are on your journey, give yourself all the permissions you need to keep growing.
(First published on Facebook on 11.29.2020)
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