Most people look at me and immediately think that I have always had my shit together. But, that is the furtherest from the truth.
I spent most of my 20s spiraling out of control.
Years of bootstrapping my way through unresolved traumas, eventually manifested into reckless and self-destructive ways of being. And, I was imploding and my family and friends were scared for my life. Shit, I can count the number of times I should have died. I was scarred for my life, but I couldn’t figure out how to save myself, and get my life together.
At the beginning of my 30s, figuratively speaking, I was standing at the edge of a cliff, looking down and wondering if something was going to change because I knew if I kept on this path, it wasn’t going to end well. In 2011, I had an encounter with God. At the time, I didn’t know that it was God who met me in my shame, loneliness, pain, regret and utter helplessness. I had a mystical experience—an encounter with the Divine that radically altered my life’s trajectory. It this was my entrance into a dark night of the soul.
2011 marks the beginning of a long and arduous and painful journey of confronting, examining, and healing from the wounds of unresolved trauma. There where times where I could literally feel the awakening of the trauma in my body. It felt like someone was amputating parts of my body without anesthesia.
Healing from unresolved trauma is painful AF!
But, doing the work to heal yourself is messy and painful, and the greatest gift that you can give yourself, others and your community. My life certainly isn’t perfect or any less difficult but what I do have are tools in my resiliency toolkit to get me through the hard times.
When I started my journey in 2011, I had only thought that I had liked myself. What I discovered is that I really didn’t like me, mostly because I didn’t really know myself. Who I knew was a tapestry of the opinions, ideals, standards, and assumptions that others and society had placed on me.
I had to do the work to get to know me, and define myself for myself.
Looking back on my journey, what stands out most to me is that in order for me to like me, I had to love me. And in learning to love me, I learned how to receive the love that others want to give me.
I wrote this specifically for those people who feel like they are fighting a loosing battle to save themselves. People who feel unseen, unloved and unheard. People standing at the edge of the cliff, wondering how to keep going or if it’s even worth it!
Keep going, even if you need to crawl or limp along for this part of the journey…
Just don’t stop!
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
God sees you.
God hears you.
God loves you, mess and all.
You matter. Your life matters. Keep going.
(first published on Facebook on 12.19.2020)
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