on relationships

“i don’t know why i run away” is the hook from the song “save your tears for another day” by the weekend. when i first heard the song, i was drawn to the beat. looking closer at the lyrics, the hook grabbed my attention. 

it took me back to an old crush. we were young, curious and playful. we had chemistry and good conversation. we were friends with unspoken romantic feelings. 

then one day he was just gone. 
no word. 
no advance notice.
he was just gone.

out of the blue, twelve years later he resurfaced. we had some conversation. it was familiar, playful and curious, and then he disappeared again.

five years later he reached out, again. we were both in different places in our life. we were grown. we still had chemistry and connection. so we attempted to pick up where we left off all those years ago.

as we were getting reacquainted, with worry and hesitation in his tone, he said, “i do this thing where i just disappear.” i, of course, recalling our past, asked him to say more. his reply, “some times i just need my space.” no problem. i’m an introvert. i understand space.

but his disappearing acts felt more more like ghosting, avoidance and abandonment. like the song “save your tears”, they caused me deep distress. 

that man broke my heart in ways that no one ever will again. but how i chose to process my grief healed my broken heart. it was this relationship that triggered romantic wounds from my 20s, ushering in an healing journey i didn’t know i needed. 

looking back on those years while i’m in this new season of dating, i’ve learned a few things about relationships:

💫 relationships are messy. periodt. but two mature people make relationships a little less messy. 
💫 relationships are mirrors. they reflect back to us both our goodness and woundedness. know the difference between your stuff and someone else’s.
💫 rejection is inevitable. when you realize it’s protection, you don’t chase, you move forward, and respect we are all at different places on our journey.
💫 effective communication is everything. ask the questions. say what you need. when you change your mind, say it. 
💫 know your attachment style, and act accordingly.